faith, Wonder

Order of Operations

I am largely uncertain how to organize anything in my life, much less the big things.

Whenever I see these Dollar Store Stones, I feel impelled to arrange them in some kind of shape.

What comes first: Hopes or Dreams?

Where does Belief fit into it all?

Is Love the beginning or the end of all of this?

Or is each virtue like a stepping stone,

arranged in a endless cycle

of better seasons?


The pragmatic in me has for some time thought of Hope as the fundamental thing; what else can be done deliberately and also well, after all, if it is not first hoped for?

But then, what good is it to hope for something to come to pass, if you can’t bring yourself to believe it is possible also?

Is it worth hoping for anything which you cannot also believe to be possible?

And can you hope anything without first being able to dream it?

And then… where do dreams come from? Where?

Some say that God is the ground of all things, or the Source, or just Love…. it seems God might be in all of the things, and also the source in which all things are. What does this mean? I don’t mean to suggest I have any answers – I barely understand the vocabulary of faith, and I don’t know what to believe, or even how to express the possibilities, or enumerate the components.

Is Love where Dreams, and then Hopes – and then the Belief in these things as possible – come from?

Or is it the Belief in the possibility of Dreams Hoped for where Love is finally found?

Is it both, or is it neither of these?

How would you arrange the stones?

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Opinion

Lettered Betters, Part I

you cannot help someone else by wasting your own life in a twisted sense of solidarity. All we can do is honor the life we’ve been given because it’s an insult to those who lack to throw away what we have” – Hetty Eliot

This statement resonates with me; I have been trying to remember to remind myself of the relationship between privilege (good fortune) and responsibility (opportunity).

Sometimes the mnemonic that works is thinking of your fortune as a coin: the other side is responsibility – work to be done for others, and the world, by extension.

Everybody has fortune of some size; their coin might be big or it might be seemingly small, at any given moment. But when you have one side of it, you just as certainly have the other. Just flip that thing over.

The flip-side of this is that when you find yourself somewhat burdened by some responsibility, remember that it’s attached to gifts you’ve been given to bear it – gifts others would gladly be given, given the chance or choice.

There is no separating the “good” from the “bad” – they are all a part of something bigger, as are we.

But that is but one woman’s opinion among a very many.

-BBB

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Letters, Opinion

Our Reason, Once

I started this blog some time ago with the intention of helping a friend, in some sort of way.

My friend had been bullied in the workplace, eventually dismissed when they fought too hard to defend their rights and then to defend their right to defend them, and suffered mental, emotional, physical, and financial hardships because of this fight, some of which at least are ongoing (and some of which, at best, are not).

This was a fight that didn’t need to happen in the first place- it hadn’t needed to be made into one by the institution of learning that had employed her to great effect for so many years. They should have behaved better. That is still my firm belief. They – of all types of institutions – should have done so, if only on principle. They didn’t. They put those things away, to save money, and face, and effort.

It came to a point where seeing my friend in pain caused me pain as well. This is an inevitable result of choosing to care about somebody else, I am told and then taught: their joys and sufferings become also your own. Not wanting to feel this pain of seeing a loved one in pain, I looked about me to see what particular thing I might have to contribute to the cause, and saw, of course, my own keyboard and fingers, with my own eyes.

I decided then to write an angry, appealing letter (can one be both?) to the presiding president of the university that had so effectively bullied my friend into changing all of her plans and upending entirely the life she had made for herself, with her own hard work and generous spirit. Because that institution is a powerful force, by virtue of being an institution (rather than an individual, many of which would count themselves lucky to have a few friends at all, and maybe even a lawyer – if only a pro-bono one), and because I myself am not immune to being bullied (or threatened by the fear of it), I sent the letter, rather last minute, under a pseudonym.

Bettanie B. Butterwell was therefore borne, and Send was then most certainly selected.

You might try to intimidate your employees – and through inevitable extension, their family, friends, and community of working and struggling folk – but you will not intimidate Bettanie B. Butterwell; she’s lived a bit too long to be taken in or else put out by such a thing. She knows there is a God (somewhere), and that we are called on (and eventually bound) to play nicer. To learn to play nicer, and then do that out in the wider world.

We are all in school. Even the teachers, and the teachers’ bosses – and whomever they might answer to, in their own manner and time.

This trick of the pen-name had not been something I had personally understood until that moment. I had to thank the neighbourhood bully for that, at least. There are always two sides to the coin.

For a time I left this letter as an “Open Letter” to that presiding president of that institution of higher learning. I called it an Open Letter because I had sent it directly to the man’s email address, and told him I would send it elsewhere if he did not proceed to do the right thing. It was not so big of an ask. He had been “warned”.

The truth is, I have no idea if he ever read it, or even noticed that he received it. Maybe he would have if he had. I imagine he, like so many working people, is busy, and often beset. I hope at least there are no bullies in his work life. That does make it quite a bit rougher to do one’s job, on behalf of their clients, and the world. I think as an academic, he might even have to agree.

I even followed up my letter-and-then-post with another open/closed post, when it became apparent the university and its chief executive had either missed my email or had filed it permanently elsewhere. I may or may not have sent that second, shorter email to the university itself afterward – I no longer recall. Since they had set the tone of not behaving like professionals, Bettanie no longer felt much obligation to attempt it back at them, any time soon.

The posts sat out in the open air, for some measure of time, upon a blog with nearly no followers – a blog among a million blogs. Nothing to see here. A small, semi-sharp needle in a very large haystack.

Still, that nagging doubt. What if – and if, when would – the blog be found out? Was a letter really an “open” one, if the recipient had not had a chance to think to read it themselves? I did not exactly know, never having thought to write one before.

Bettanie eventually questioned my own wisdom (be careful when you find yourself choosing to think to do this to yourself or to another’s wisdom) of leaving these posts hanging about for the world to see, because … well, we wondered what it might cause. Maybe some kind of trouble for somebody, or bodies. Bettanie is not a fan of trouble, and I am myself not immune to the implicit threat of being bullied into hardships – even if it might be her weathering it, at least for a time.

So this blog instead became another place where we would come to write together about things that didn’t fit quite right elsewhere… and the Open Letter got, and then kept itself, closed.

It did not seem fitting in any case for a lady in her eighty-somethings to breathe bitter words and then hang them out on the Internet of Things to dry forever – like so much laundry best brought inside, once sufficiently aired.

But, I am reminded now and then that my friend was not – and will not be, for quite some time to come – the only one among us to be caught in a lop-sided power dynamic of workplace harassment. And so it is for them, as well as those others with friends and family and community elsewhere (and all of ours eventually connect, you know), that I open the letters up again.

But behind a short password. For now.

Until perhaps we get a lawyer of our own.

This is the world that you and I still somewhat-sadly live within.

This blog is an attempt at social action, and like so many things I try and do, it’s being tried and done creatively, imperfectly, and in its own sweet time. Time is one thing we all should know by now that we have a rather finite amount of, in spite of our oftentimes infinite gifts in some or many other directions.

Better well get on with the giving-what-we-can, while we can.

-BBB

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Letters to You

Night Swimming

I wrote this when feeling low, and then, not wanting to make any reader feel low, chose to keep it to myself.

Well, the point at the time was for me to reach out and tell somebody else that I might know where they’re coming from – if they happened to be coming from a low place too. I took the gift I had tried to give them, and wrapped it up and put it back in the closet, thinking it unwise or unworthy.

I’m sorry I did that, now. I’m not feeling quite so low as I did then, but that’s the thing about things like depression, and anxiety, and uncertainty about being a human on this planet, at this time in history: you have your better days and you have your less-better ones. It’s hard to know sometimes who the real person is, doing the reaching out.

I wanted you to have this once, and I think I should just honour that, for whatever it might be worth.


For the Tired of Treading

I have depression, let me me plain. And also, anxiety. And maybe existential angst of some kind too, just for good measure. I feel poorly about myself, as a person, right now. I feel a bit hollow.

That isn’t to say I exist without hope for the world – or that I don’t see the great beauty in nature, and in others. I am even now and then reminded that I am one of those beautiful things too.

All of these moments of realization are blessings… but the hollowness and the nagging doubts still come, now and then. They seem worse when the daylight goes.

I feel I have nothing to say to anybody right now that might move them to smile, when I am having a hard time doing it myself. Making somebody else’s day better would give my bad day a purpose. I would be fine with that.

Who out there though would want to know that I am here, feeling alone too, and feeling so lost? I am tired and adrift – I can’t be a rock for somebody else, can I?

But I wanted you to know something anyhow, and so I wrote this.

I am not quitting, though I often put things off to the very point of quitting. I love what there is to love in this world, far too much to want to give up early. I have a journey, I know this sometimes-sadness is a part of it as well. I have faith in something bigger than this current ache in my chest.

I want you to have faith in something bigger too. We may feel sometimes as though we’re drowning, but we are feeling that way together. We’re not alone, at all. We are always together in this.

Something is changing in the world, and in us. All these shadows are there, only because there is a strong light to cast them.

We are not drowning, you and I. We are learning to tread water.

Don’t stop treading water – don’t you dare. I am here too, kicking away, looking silly, and never losing hope.

Soon, we will learn to swim again, as we once did. Then we will fly. You’ll see. We will.

It’s hard, I know. It’s very dark sometimes too… I see it. But I have seen a great light as well: it’s there, just above the clouds that seem so thick. Up above those, there is only light. It will break through for you, when this darkness passes.

Maybe you can remember that light, from another time, when things were easier, or happier? Recall what that looks like. Imagine it if you need to – you will remember it, if not now, then tomorrow, or after tomorrow… but you will.

Know that your heart felt at peace once, even if it is hard to feel that way right now.

Waves are never flat and still – and this life is a vast ocean, with great ups and downs. You must kick and kick and keep that beautiful face above the waves. Breathe in, breathe in. You will find that light again.

You will. You will. You are swimming now.

I know it’s hard. I know it is. You are a strong swimmer though. Just look at you now. Your eyes are open and you’re there, looking up for that light. Gritting your teeth at times – wiping back tears when they come, which they always do, for every one of us. Every single one. You are not alone in wanting to weep at times. But your heart is beating – you have a strong heart.

The light is waiting for you – It knows you’re there, even if you can’t remember it this moment. The sun is coming around again, for you. It will warm your face and shoulders and heart and bones, when you least expect it. You will reach dry land. You will see a better day. You will stand, and then you will soar.

I am here, like you. Just close your eyes, and breathe deep… float on your back with the stars above you – we can feel each other being on this great ocean of good souls, all together. We are carried as one, not alone – and we will be well. Breathe deep. See the stars. Float, dream, feel the rest of us there too, in our own worlds, but all together in this one as well. We are here too: here with you.

You are not alone – we are here together.

Believe that you are loved.

You are loved.

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Poetry

Rocket Poem

I,
So
wound
around
a spine
of mine,
it bound
in time –
a rhyme
confound
the arcs,
unknown
with sight
or sound;
Might Mortal
flight and feathers
fall swift lift me low
To common Ground
and
will me
whither
I go
!!


Words hammered into kind of the shape of a rocket ship, in the curious name of science.

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Uncategorized

Waking

To no more breathe
Than to make peace;
This, for which I stand,
The culmination of Grace


Sometimes these old bones have a hard time getting out of bed. But what’s there to waking, if not to make something of having awoken? I might not have found myself with another day to spend, but here I am.

I might as well get up, and go see what that was all about.

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